Motivations

Scattered thoughts

Lorde’s new album has finally graced our ears and I’m currently on my third listen. It always takes a while for me, with her music. I remember distinctly hating Green Light when I first heard it – “I know about what you did, I want to scream the truth / she thinks you love the beach, you’re such a damn liar” like get over yourself, woman. It doesn’t sound vaguely coherent or even rhyme. But Green Light is my jam now.

I can’t relate to the literal theme — the album is really a heartbreak post-mortem — but the larger idea of trying to get over a particular heart pain, I would like to think, is universal. It hit me when the chorus of Green Light came through. I’m waiting for it, that green light, I want it. You know you need to get over it. You want to get over it. But it’s not easy.

plateau

Scattered thoughts

It’s been two and a half weeks since the semester ended and I’m well into my summer break, which so far has included me trying to get back on track with exercise (signed myself up for the StanChart 10km again, so there’s that), trying to read more, and trying to cure myself of this nasal congestion that has plagued me since last week. I really fall sick too easily.

On running: I don’t know why but I can run longer and further on the road then on the treadmill, which I thought would be vice versa. Even Google tells me that running on the treadmill is easier, but I suppose everyone’s body is wired differently. Or maybe because it is so much easier to slow down your pace when you are on the road, compared to manually jabbing the treadmill button and feeling depressed when you have to go down from a 8.7 to 8.3 thinking you are a freaking loser.

I also feel like going out for a run but the sky looks overcast but maybe I’m just creating excuses for myself LOL.

On reading: I’ve been contemplating to put a reservation on Bad Feminist (which I really want to read) at the library, but that would mean a $1.88 reservation fee that I am stingy to part. Then again, this is still cheaper than buying the actual book. Putting that on hold, I’m currently reading Lenin’s Kisses by Yan Lianke. I’m only about 50 pages in, but so far it looks promising. It’s about a rural village in China and how one particular official decides to use the villagers to raise money to buy Lenin’s embalmed corpse to become a tourist attraction. So far my favourite character has to be Grandma Mao Zhi, where this particular bit just killed me:

And the winter that the government tried to make everyone in Liven pay two pounds of cotton in taxes, wasn’t it Grandma Mao Zhi who’d removed her cotton jacket and thrown it in their faces and then, standing before them with her sagging breasts, demanded indignantly, “Is this enough? If not, I’ll also take off my pants,” and before they could react had begun to unfasten her belts?

The officials had exclaimed, “Grandma Mao Zhi, what on earth are you doing?” 

She’d waved her crutch at the. “If you want to collect cotton, I’ll take off my cotton pants right here and now, and hand them to you.”

The officials had dodged her crutches and departed.

Three things

Scattered thoughts

(one)

I’ve been trying to study in school this week in an attempt to get my revision on track. Two consecutive days so far, which I feel is in itself an accomplishment because school is truly a wretched place, but my revision is plodding along like a limp buffalo across a muddy paddy field. Credit to how my papers are actually a week later than usual, meaning I have more time to procrastinate, and obviously I am going to take advantage of this and succumb to inertia until this time next week when I feel like the whole world is crushing down on me and I will regret everything. But that’s next week’s problem.

(two)

It’s happening again. I’m feeling like a piece of crap again. It sucks and I want to curl up into a ball and cry, except no one will really care so I’m not solving anything by just being an emotional mess. I thought I was better than this, and then I see these non-stop updates about other people’s celebrations – of success, of friendship, of generally everything I don’t have. What am I doing wrong? How can it be that it is almost three years but I am at a worse place than where I started.

I don’t want to become that person, but I can feel my skin and bones morphing and meandering into that.

(three)

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drink more fluids

Scattered thoughts

T-7 days to our flight out and I am feeling very unsettled (surprise, surprise) for several reasons, but at the top of that list is this ridiculous sore throat that decided to plague me over past few days. I tried being a warrior over the weekend, thinking I’m infallible, I’ll let my amazing immune system fix this and prove Darwin right. 

This culminated into a severe coughing fit at the breakfast table this morning and the mother launching into a lecture on my inadequate water consumption. Since then I’ve seen the doctor, taken 3 different little pills and jugged down 3 bottles worth of water. All in all a good day and I should be on my road to recovery, if not the road to the washroom (again).