I am a firm believer in the concept that we are in full control of our emotional responses to external stimuli – nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, and etc. – so whenever I am feeling down in the dumps I try to get over it by telling myself to get over it. Because you can’t really change the circumstances that have already happened, nor can you change other people’s behaviour, so why not take the easy way out which is to change your own mentality?
Well, fuck that for today, because I got really pissed at someone. My abject levels of annoyance might have been irrational and oversensitive, but I would like to retain some shreds of credibility with my own emotions and try to reconcile what I felt with why I felt it.
Said someone had mentioned something offensive to me, in an attempt at what I can only assume was humour. The actual word used was “disgusting”. I did not find it the least bit funny, and it stung for a bit, because maybe deep (okay maybe not so deep) down, I felt I was disgusting too. Having someone else tell me just dug it to the surface and possibly cemented it. But how could I blame that person? It’s not like that person knew about how I felt about myself, nor did that person have a stellar track record in being the nicest person to me and I had more often than not brushed off all past ill-feelings with “oh, she’s just like that”. But there’s a limit to each and every tolerance, and here, one stupid remark was the tipping point.
So I did the next best thing, which was to turn to another friend for comfort.
Friend: maybe just don’t be too close to her already?
Me: what a rumble to my pathetically small circle of friends
It was comfort I am so glad I found, because there is nothing sweeter than understanding and commiseration from a fellow human. It was wonderful and it numbed all my earlier aggrieved sensations. I asked that friend whether she would have found it offensive (she did) and whether she thought I was overreacting (she didn’t). Ultimately, I was still human and I craved approval. It was everything I needed to recover, and I will eventually.
I don’t want to sound like a melodramatic baby, but the original comment still prickled like a bad insect sting, and I may not be able to have a proper conversation with that person again. But I suppose it was a nice change to push the blame on someone else other than my own lack of emotional finesse.